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KING OF COUNTRY
by
Tim Gooding
(c) Tim Gooding July 1984
CHARACTERS
SETTING
A broad space capable of representing various tracts of land, from quarter acre block to outback expanse. Sidestage: a car, Australian, late 1950s vintage. Dusty, battered. Written in faded letters on the side:
Elsewhere: a band podium, with offstage access.
SONGS
Act 1
ACT ONE
Scene 1
(In blackout: a suburban summer soundscape. Cicadas. Lawnmowers. Revving engines. Splash of backyard pools. Shouts, squeals of children. A radio plays desultory country music. A mower repeatedly fails to start.)
CHOOK: Mongrel! You mongrel! You flaming mongrel!
(He kicks the mower.)
CHOOK: You bastard!
SONG: King Of Country.
Scene 2
(A suburban backyard "let go". Overgrown, fallen palings, cartons of bottles. Bedraggled Christmas decorations. The overturned, abandoned mower. Heat & flies. On the radio: Hank Williams.
CHOOK begins to clear the yard.)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: The late great Hank Williams. Unfortunately Hank can't make it up to Tamworth for this year's country music festival, which is a shame, cause neither can Hank Cochran, Hank Locklin, Hank Snow, Hank Thompson and a whole lotta other late great country Hanks. But the VERY latest Hank, the Oklahoma Outlaw, Hank Henderson, latest and wannabe greatest in a long line of Yank Hanks WILL BE THERE! So will his Aussie sweetheart, Vikki Fowler. And so will I.
(CHOOK collects a carton. The bottom falls out, spilling bottles and cans.)
CHOOK: You bludging mongrel cow of a thing!
(He kicks the rubbish. HORACE enters in a wheelchair at top speed. A small cardboard box on his knee.)
HORACE: What's up you, son? A man can't hear himself listen to the races! The doctor said I could kick off at any time. I'll miss the Welter. Why don't you clean up this mess? Why are you cleaning up this mess? Is Norma coming back?
CHOOK: No.
HORACE: Are you sure Norma's not coming back? She left on the 6th of september. At 8.30. That's 3 months ago. You're over the worst now, son. It's like smoking. What happened to my sunday drive?
CHOOK: I'll just do the lawns first.
HORACE: That's what you said about making a comeback. It just grows back into bush, you galoot. Then you can chop the lot down all over again. Will you sunday drive me back to Tamworth?
CHOOK: That's a bit further than I was thinking.
HORACE: I have to scatter Enid's ashes. Norma's gone now. Why can't you just leave the mess, son?
CHOOK: Because I can't leave the mess! They'll be here soon. Are you wearing that?
HORACE: No. I'm wearing a barrel and braces. I always wear this. Who'll be here son?
CHOOK: Vikki and Hank.
HORACE: Hank? Who's Hank?
CHOOK: Vikki's husband.
HORACE: Who's Vikki?
CHOOK: Your granddaughter.
HORACE: I remember her from last Christmas. What's his name again?
CHOOK: Hank. HANK.
HORACE: Is he that dopey banjo twanger?
CHOOK: No. This one plays guitar and sings.
HORACE: I hope he does it better than you did. What's his name again?
CHOOK: HANK. Rhymes with Yank. Which is what he is.
HORACE: Did she marry a septic? Why didn't you stop her?
CHOOK: I didn't know till I got the press release from the States.
HORACE: You should've married Pearl. She'd never let her daughter marry a septic.
CHOOK: Dad. Let's leave Pearl out of today's proceedings, all right?
(CHOOK drags a bin away, casually collecting Enid's ashes in passing.)
HORACE: ENID! Enid! Don't throw that box away!
CHOOK: Jesus. That was close, dad, wasn't it? Strewth.
HORACE: Give her to me. Give her to me.
CHOOK: Settle down. I'm just tidying up.
HORACE: Putting your mother in the bin and your father in Belsen is just tidying up, is it?
CHOOK: Are you talking about the retirement village now, are you?
HORACE: If that's a village I'm a shearer's armpit. Matron said there's a vacancy coming up in May.
CHOOK: Nothing's decided yet.
HORACE: She's poisoning someone in April.
CHOOK: I only took you there to see what it's like.
HORACE: It's like a prewash for the crematorium. If she comes near me with her sponge, I'll stretch her neck like a rabbit.
CHOOK: Nothing's decided yet, dad, all right! So let's get just right off the subject.
HORACE: Don't you want my granddaughter to know you're having me put to sleep?
(CHOOK walks away..)
HORACE: Son? Son? I have to scatter your mother in Tamworth. I promised her on her death bed.
CHOOK: Dad. You know we've got a lovely spot set aside for mum at Rookwood.
HORACE: Have you got a lovely spot set aside for me too?
CHOOK: It's a fine piece of land, dad.
HORACE: I can put in some wheat and run a few sheep while I'm down there. What if they slip someone else in next to Enid, before I get there?
CHOOK: Mum wouldn't stand for it.
HORACE: Is it all paid for?
CHOOK: Yes, dad.
HORACE: The bank can't get it?
CHOOK: No, dad.
HORACE: They got my farm. Up near Tamworth. Have I told you about that? Pommy bastards. I was a soldier settler. What about the army? Can they take it?
CHOOK: No, dad.
HORACE: I saw tanks go through a cemetery in France.
CHOOK: It's sacred ground, dad.
HORACE: That's what the abos thought. Your mother and I never brought you up to be tidy. Norma tidied you up. Good and proper. Enid was faithful for 63 years. I have to scatter her in Tamworth.
CHOOK: Hank and his band are playing at the festival. He's a big star and he'll be very busy, but if you ask nicely maybe he'll do it for you.
HORACE: Are you going too?
CHOOK: What do you think?
HORACE: You could see Pearl.
CHOOK: Button it, dad.
HORACE: You could make a comeback with her.
CHOOK: Button it, dad.
HORACE: She could sing like a bird.
CHOOK: BUTTON IT!
HORACE: She could sing like a bird.