Royalty. Alt-Royalty. Off With Their Heads!

As if Royalty wasn’t bad enough.

We must now suffer the distressing phenomenon of Alt-Royalty. The Duke and Duchess of Windsor-Markle. The USA’s latest attempt at democratic aristocracy.

The poor old US of A, for all its declarations of independence and trumpeting of competitive levelling, has since 1776 felt inadequate in not being able to flaunt its own line in, its own brand of, truly inbred, historically mass-murderous royalty.

Thus, naively believing royalty to be naught but extra-exalted showbiz, The Americans proceeded to create Hollywood. Elvis. Jack and Jacqui K. Et al.

Did it wash? Not quite. Yes, The Hollywood Stars glittered, but a deep sense of inadequacy still tormented the Land Of The Free whenever Old World Royalty paid them a condescending, dressed-down visit.

And so followed, in a profoundly perverse, self-defeating, but democratic move, the invention of Scrubber Royalty. Andy Warhol and entourage. The Kardashians. Paris Hilton. Innumerable dopey, bling-infested rappers who like to shoot each other. The full detritus of contemporary celebrity, in number swelling each and every day, to dazzle a globalised peasantry with the pomp and circumstance of social media likes. And the huge money made from nothing.

And yet. And yet. Still it didn’t wash! Oh so sadly, continued visits by authentic, short-jawed, cross-eyed Europeans with long names and longer histories persisted in causing Mr and Mrs America to feel more than a tad lacking in class. Indeed, to feel like victims of history. Could there be anything worse?

In the end, it had to be admitted. Nothing could match the real thing.

What to do? Learn from history! Edward and Mrs Simpson!!


Honey-trap a Real Royal!

But do it right this time. Don’t let the Dim But Captivated One slip away into obscurity. Render him back to the USA. And put him on Oprah.

Job done.

At least until Harry snaps out of it and runs on home.

The French had the right idea. Chop off their heads. Royalty. Alt-Royalty. All of them.