Tentshow Pagliacci

                For copies, please contact https://apt.org.au/

                TENTSHOW PAGLIACCI

                by TIM GOODING

               (c) Tim Gooding
                    18 April 2007

               Characters

               NEDDA
               MOE                          
               LARRY
               CURLY
               MAE                      
               DORIS                    
               PHYLLIS                  
               ROBIN
               STAN                      
               OLLIE
               CHARLIE

               Note:
               The plot is that of Leoncavallo's opera "IPagliacci".
               Substituted for the opera's Commedia del Arte characters
               are Australian version of renowned 20th century comedians.
               The characters work identical comic styles to their models,
                but need not be precise impersonations.
 

               Character                      Model                          Role
               MOE,LARRY,CURLY....The Three Stooges....CANIO x 3
               MAE.............................Mae West...................NEDDA
               DORIS.........................Doris Day............ ...... NEDDA
               PHYLLIS......................Phyllis Diller............... NEDDA
               ROBIN.........................Robin Williams...........TONIO
               STAN & OLLIE............Laurel & Hardy............BEPPE
               CHARLIE....................Charlie Chaplin...........SILVIO               

               NEDDA - the original operatic character - also appears, as
               she was, a traditional Commedia del'Arte Colombina.         
              

               ACT 1

               Prologue

               The interior of a large tent, pitched at The Entrance, NSW,
               a seaside resort town, during the Christmas holiday period.
               NEDDA enters, in costume and makeup of a Colombina. She
               carries a plucked chicken. Clutching the poultry to her
               bosom - Madonna and fowl - she executes a lifeless curtsey.
               The overture to "I Pagliacci" rises.

                                   NEDDA
                         Welcome, sweet ladies and
                         gentlemen.
                         Welcome, dear friends, to the
                         sleepy tent of fools.
                         Tonight, our story is true.
                         The tears of the actors are real.
                         The laughter is false.
                         For the hilarity of fools cloaks
                         broken hearts
                         Here in dusty shadows of the ring
                         Ah, think then, sweet people
                         When you look on them
                         Full cherry nose and rubber grin
                         In motley clad
                         Theirs are human hearts,
                         Pummelled by the punches of
                         passion.
                         Ah, think then, dear friends, and
                         smile sadly
                         These fools you see in sandy lots
                         along the coast
                         Or camped beside the river for a
                         Week
                         Their lowly holiday pantomime
                         Outdrawn by the ferris wheel
                         By waterslide and snow cones
                         They all are men and women like
                         you.

               The overture swells. NEDDA exits.

               Scene 1.

               MOE, LARRY, and CURLY enter, in a march/skip fashion, MOE
               leading. Each carries two large suitcases.
               CURLY, at the rear, has difficulty in co-ordinating his
               suitcases while keeping in step.

               Becoming annoyed, he charges ahead. And bumps into LARRY.
               Who bumps into MOE and jolts him abruptly forward.

               MOE turns, slow-burning, and swings his cases into LARRY'S.
               LARRY'S cases swing into CURLY'S. CURLY'S cases do not
               swing back and topple him rearwards, as MOE intends, but
               rather swing back then forward again. Into LARRY'S cases.
               Which swing into MOE'S. And topple MOE backwards.

                                   MOE
                         Oh, a smart Alec, eh?

                                   CURLY
                         Physics, Moe!

                                   MOE
                         Oh. Physics.

                                   CURLY
                         Mm! Newton's Third Law of Motion.

                                   LARRY
                         Action and reaction, Moe.

                                   MOE
                         Action and reaction, eh? What's
                         this, boofhead?

               He holds out his left hand in a fist, and points at it with
               his right hand index finger.

                                   CURLY
                         That's a finger.

                                   MOE
                             (showing fist)
                         No, this!

                                   CURLY
                         That?

                                   MOE
                         This.

               CURLY points a finger at MOE'S fist.

                                   CURLY
                         Larry, what's this?

                                   LARRY
                         That's a finger.

               CURLY forms a left hand fist.

                                   CURLY
                         No, this.

                                   LARRY
                         That?

                                   CURLY
                         This.

               LARRY points a finger at CURLY'S fist.

                                   LARRY
                         Hey, Moe. What's this?

                                   MOE
                         That's a finger.

               LARRY forms a left hand fist.

                                   LARRY
                         No, this.

                                   MOE
                         That?

                                   LARRY
                         This.

               MOE points a finger at LARRY'S fist.

                                   MOE
                         Hey, Curly. What's this?

                                   CURLY
                         Easy peasy, Moe. That's a fist.
                         Hit it.

               MOE hits down on LARRY'S fist with his own. LARRY'S fist
               circles vertically, coming down on CURLY'S fist. CURLY'S
               fist circles, to come down on MOE'S head. MOE falls.

                                   MOE
                         Oh, a smart Alec, eh?

                                   CURLY
                         Physics, Moe! I couldn't help it.
                         It's Newton's Law. Don't hit me.
                         Think of your knuckles.

                                   MOE
                         Hit you? I'm not going to hit
                         you. I'm laughing. Ha ha. Funny
                         routine. Ha ha. What say we put
                         it in the show tonight?

                                   CURLY
                         Old Isaac was a real clown. Last
                         of the great stand up physicists.

                                   LARRY
                         Tire of Einstein. Never tire of
                         Newton.

                                   CURLY
                         Relativity? What's the joke? But
                         gravity! Ha ha ha! Gravity brings
                         tears to my eyes! Gravity!
                             (executes a pratfall)
                         Falls! Falls! Falls break me up!
                         Ha ha ha.

                                   LARRY
                         Don't forget forces! What about
                         Newt's "external forces"! Pushes
                         and pulls! Ha ha.

                                   CURLY
                         What about..ha ha..what about..ha
                         ha..what about..ha ha haaa..

               He cracks up.

                                   LARRY
                         Say it! Say it!

                                   CURLY
                         Objects in motion! Plucked
                         chickens! Custard pies!

                                   LARRY
                         Anvils!

                                   CURLY
                         Cannon balls!

                                   LARRY
                         Yes! Collisions! Between moving
                         and stationary objects. Soda in
                         the dial! Pies in the moosh!
                         Always get a laugh. Always!

                                   CURLY
                         Bigger laugh: a collision,
                         followed by a fall! Can't top a
                         collision followed by a fall.

                                   LARRY
                         Yes, you can. Newt's coop of
                         grace: Inertia.

               LARRY stands stock still. Tries not to giggle.

                                   CURLY
                         Inertia.

               CURLY stands stock still. Tries not to giggle.

                                   MOE
                             (unamused)
                         What's keeping the wives?

                                   CURLY
                         Can't be our salaries. Yuk yuk.

                                   MOE
                         You're a wonder, Curly. Laughing
                         in the face of marital
                         infidelity.

                                   CURLY
                             (double take)
                         Ha ha. In the face of what?

                                   LARRY
                         Moe. Not now.

                                   MOE
                         Laughing on the outside, crying
                         on the inside. You're a better
                         clown than me, Gunga Din. I
                         wouldn't be laughing if I was
                         married to her.

                                   CURLY
                         What are you on about? What's he
                         on about?

                                   MOE
                         Nothing. Ignorance is bliss,
                         little brother. You and Phyllis
                         still sleeping on separate Li
                         los? In her defence, he did ply
                         her with Dim Sims and Passiona
                         first. Robin.

                                   CURLY
                         Robin?

                                   MOE
                         Probably a completely innocent
                         tongue kiss.

                                   LARRY
                         Don't mess with his mind, Moe.
                         Not his mind.

               CURLY clutches his head in accelerating anguish.

                                   MOE
                         She must reckon you're a dill or
                         something. Boy is she wrong!
                         You're a professional dill. The
                         show must go on! Offstage and on,
                         twenty four/seven, the cuckolded
                         clown keeps laughing! Ha ha ha!
                         As his one and only girl plunges
                         into the arms of her wisecracking
                         lover - ha ha ha! As the knives
                         of betrayal plunge into the
                         clown's back - ha ha ha! As the
                         image of them coupling burns his
                         brain and the Green Eyed Monster
                         chews holes in his heart, the
                         professional fool keeps on
                         laughing. Ha ha ha!

               CURLY drops to the ground and spins horizontally.

                                   CURLY
                         Fool! Fool! Fool!

               CURLY stops spinning, and goes rigid, eyes closed.

                                   LARRY
                         Couldn't you just hit him?

                                   MOE
                         Not such a smart Alec now.

                                   LARRY
                         Is it true? Phyllis and Robin?

                                   MOE
                         Newton's First Law of Jealousy.
                         Jealousy is directly proportional
                         to imagination.

                                   LARRY
                         Curly? Good news. It's all in
                         your imagination.

                                   MOE
                         Tell him to wake up: the stage
                         and life are different.

                                   LARRY
                         Wake up. The stage and life are
                         different.

                                   MOE
                         Then again, who'd be happy
                         married to a dill like him? Mrs
                         No-one. Congress of the Weasel is
                         bound to happen sometime. The
                         milkman, the butcher, the postie,
                         the fellow cast member.
                         Temptation lurks everywhere for
                         the cheese and kisses of a
                             (in CURLY'S face)
                         Fat Fool.

               LARRY slaps CURLY'S face, pokes his eyes, pulls his hair,
               bites his nose, to revive him. CURLY remains comatose.

                                   LARRY
                         Can't raise him.

                                   MOE
                         Neither could his mother.
                         Numbskull! What's he playing at?
                         He throws this same tired old fit
                         in every seaside resort from Eden
                         to Tweed Heads.

                                   LARRY
                         You rev him up in every seaside
                         resort from Eden to Tweed Heads.

                                   MOE
                         He annoys me in every seaside
                         resort from Eden to Tweed Heads.
                         Neweton's Second law of Jealousy.
                         It's his fault.

                                   LARRY
                         We should sit him up before
                         Phyllis gets back.

               They sit CURLY up. He slumps forward.

                                   LARRY
                         Curly. Enough's enough.

                                   MOE
                         Smart Alec.

                                   LARRY
                         Clever Dick.

                                   MOE
                         Twerp.

                                   LARRY
                         Poltroon.

                                   MOE
                         Pinhead.

                                   LARRY
                         Prawn.

                                   MOE
                         Flathead.

                                   LARRY
                         Mullet.

                                   MOE
                         Jellyfish.

                                   LARRY
                         Anchovy.

                                   MOE
                         Galah.

                                   LARRY
                         Galoot.

               The routine becomes musical, accompanied by a little dance.

                                   MOE
                         Peabrain.

                                   MOE
                         Drongo.

                                   LARRY
                         Nongo.

                                   MOE
                         Dubbo.

                                   LARRY
                         Cobar.

                                   MOE
                         Bourke.

                                   LARRY
                         Wills.

                                   MOE
                         Pill.

                                   LARRY
                         Dill.

                                   MOE
                         Pickle.

                                   LARRY
                         Gherkin.

               The routine ends as they collide with each other.

                                   MOE
                         Numbskull. What's this, boofhead?

                                   LARRY
                         That's a finger, Moe.

                                   MOE
                         And what's this?

                                   LARRY
                         That's another finger.

               MOE pokes LARRY'S eyes.

                                   LARRY
                         Thanks, Moe. I needed that.

                                   MOE
                         So did I. Leave the insults to me
                         in future.

               MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS, ROBIN - his arms round the women -
               enter.

               MOE and LARRY spread their arms, anticipating embrace.

                                   MOE
                         Mae!

                                   LARRY
                         Doris!

               The women stop in their tracks, still in ROBIN'S arms.  

                                   ROBIN
                         Good morning, The Entrance!
                             (sings)
                         "I feel good, na na na na na na."
                         You're with The Over The Hill
                         Performing Group, coming at you
                         from the sin city of the Central
                         Coast Over 65s! Good morning,
                         Tuggerah Lake! Live under canvas
                         from yet another Twilight Village
                         with ocean views and a bowlo! I
                         can't take it any more! The ties!
                         The socks! The hearing aids!
                         Sardony: that's a form of humour.
                             (seagull squawk)
                         Incoming! Why am I here? Taxi!
                         Follow that walking frame!
                         Doctor! Touring has become a
                         blur. A turbid miasma of seniors
                         card discounts and oversized
                         chemist shops in a string of Last
                         Resorts with ocean views and
                         bowlos stretching from Eden to
                         Tweed Heads! Double my dose, doc!
                         Good morning Port Macquarie! Give
                         me a handful of anything
                         stupefying!
                             (seagull squawk)
                         Incoming! Good morning Sussex
                         Inlet!
                             (seagull squawk)
                         Incoming! Good morning Shoalhaven
                         Heads! Great times! Great
                         memories! Where else can retired
                         couples play bingo and contract
                         tinea at the same time? Two Fat
                         Ladies with Athlete's Foot! Good
                         morning Brunswick Heads! Where
                         else can Third Agers play bingo,
                         have a bad fall at KB5 on the
                         giant outdoor chessboard, and
                         forget their spouse's name at the
                         same time? Sixty six clicketty
                         clicks, madame your hip
                         replacement is ready, watch out
                         for rogue bishops in future, are
                         you the Whipper Snipper man? Good
                         morning Forster Tuncurry!
                         Breaking news. Mature age feral
                         bingo psychos cross out the
                         numbers on every letterbox in
                         town. Heads down! Top up your
                         super! Charge your pacemakers!
                         Purple Haze up in my brain! Blue
                         rinse up in my hair! Warning!
                         Pelicans, six o'clock. Why am I
                         here? Taxi! Follow that mini bus
                         with wheelchair access!  

                                   MOE
                         Darling!

                                   LARRY
                         Sweetheart!

               The women continue to resist embracing their husbands.

                                   ROBIN
                         Newsflash. Beep beep. ABC theme.
                         Something has happened here! Hard
                         to believe. It's taken thirty
                         years but something has happened
                         here! We are present in all our
                         faded glory but where is everyone
                         else? Where are the shonky
                         sideshows of yesteryear? Where's
                         the Shark Museum? Where's the
                         Mirror Maze? Where are the flirty
                         boys and girls of dubious
                         parentage who ask you to the
                         outdoor flicks only to do you
                         behind the Crazy House?
                         Where's Dirty Dolores and her
                         hipsy wipsy woos? Where's Tent
                         City and The Ten Thousand Low
                         Income Undesirables Under Canvas?
                         Where's Mr Whippy's friendly,
                         choc-topped, soft and slushy
                         pedophile van, luring its prey
                         with Greensleeves? Where's
                         Playland Amusement Arcade
                         Marijuana Mart? Where has all the
                         itinerant holiday sleaze gone,
                         long time passing? Revitalised!
                         Revitalised all! On a maritime
                         theme! With paved Memorial Park!
                         Plus inflatable castle and
                         pelican feeding twice a day for
                         the grandkids! And at night, its
                         clubs, clubs, clubs! Go hog wild
                         with bingo, keno, meato raffleo,
                         TABo, Texas Hold-Emo, and a
                         schnitzel and fish nighto.
                         Troupers! We are thespian relics!
                         We are a bygone era! We are silly
                         old fruits rotting in the compost
                         of histrionic history!
                             (sings)
                         "We gotta get out of this place!"
                         Taxi! Follow that hearse with the
                         nice young driver!

                                   MOE
                         Cherry Blossom!

                                   LARRY
                         Lotus Petal!

               MAE and DORIS reluctantly embrace their husbands.

                                   MAE
                         Is that a jumbuck in your
                         tuckerbag or are you just glad to
                         see me?

                                   ROBIN
                         Sexual innuendo. That's a form of
                         humour.

               MAE covertly indicates - fingers down throat? - her
               distaste at the love games she must play with MOE.

               DORIS sings, ruefully, over her shoulder.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         Once I had a secret love, that
                         lived inside the heart of me..

               While ROBIN moves in for a kiss behind LARRY'S back.

                                   ROBIN
                         They're bored, they're sexy,
                         they're married to clowns. I'm a
                         diabetic in a lolly shop and
                             (sings)
                         "I like it, I like it, yes I do!"

               DORIS dances away from ROBIN, ham-flirtatious.

                                   ROBIN
                         "I'm not that kind of ham."
                         That's another form of humour.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Curly? Curly is extremely shy
                         about showing affection in
                         public. In private it blossoms
                         into an open show of escalating
                         embarrassment. Ah ha ha ha!

               ROBIN puts his arm around PHYLLIS.

                                   ROBIN
                         She's funky, she's spunky, she
                         married a monkey. Now's our
                         chance, baby. Let's slip away to
                         the Gold Coast. I'll show you the
                         Big Banana. The Big Pineapple?
                         The Big Stump Jump Plough?

               PHYLLIS removes his arm, with disdain.

                                   LARRY
                         He's breathing. Or his nose is
                         leaking.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         He's assumed the Pump Up The Li
                         Lo position. I put the nozzle in
                         his mouth, my foot on his
                         stomach, and a dance track on the
                         CD player. Ah ha ha ha! What did
                         you do to him?

                                   MOE
                         Nothing. He threw another of his
                         turns.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         He has powerful arms. It happens
                         every time he pulls his belt off
                         quickly. Ah ha ha ha. Curly? I
                         have this effect on him. The
                         TseTse Fly of the boudoir. Ah ha
                         ha.

                                   ROBIN
                         Self deprecation. That's a form
                         of humour.

                                   MAE
                         Don't put yourself down so much,
                         honey. That's men's work.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         I'm too humble. You know why I'm
                         so humble? Mirrors! Ah ha ha!

                                   LARRY
                         He thinks you're running off with
                         Robin.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Robin? Ah ha ha ha.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings/dances)
                         Now I shout it from the highest
                         hills
                         Even told the golden daffodils..

                                   LARRY
                         He's a mess of insecurities. He's
                         convinced you'll run off with
                         someone some day.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         But Robin? Ah ha ha ha.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         At last, my heart's an open door,
                         My secret love's no secret any
                         more.

                                   LARRY
                         He takes the role of Pagliaccio
                         to heart. He's a method cuckold.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Robin? Ah ha ha ha.

                                   MOE
                         Newton's First Law of Insecurity:
                         anything's possible. Poor bloke
                         thinks you'll leave him just
                         because he's a manic depressive
                         knucklehead with no money or
                         prospects, prone to violence,
                         jealousy, fitting, bodily
                         contortion and strange grunts and
                         squeals.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Baby, there's nothing between me
                         and Robin. Robin? Ah ha ha ha.
                         I'd rather mud wrestle a Banksia
                         Man. Curly?

                                   LARRY
                         He's under a lot of pressure.

                                   MOE
                         Get him a lighter hat.

                                   DORIS
                         Light green would be nice.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         I've been at the beach, baby. I
                         had a lousy time. When I lay on
                         the sand a man threw me in the
                         water for his labrador to fetch.
                         Ah ha ha ha..!

               No response from CURLY.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         He might've hit his head.

                                   MOE
                         We would've heard it. This Green
                         Eyed Monster routine is starting
                         to wind me up. Everywhere we go!
                         He stirs up more panic than a
                         dead cat in the Mirror Maze. Last
                         night, Paradise Park in Toukley.
                         The night before, the Bali Hai in
                         Budgewoi..

               LARRY picks up the rhythm. The routine becomes a song,
               accompanied by a little dance.

                                   LARRY
                         Shangri-La in Forster.

                                   MOE
                         Satori in Tuncurry.

                                   LARRY
                         Nirvana in Umina.

                                   MOE
                         Utopia in Ourimbah.

                                   LARRY/MOE
                         Oh, Paradise Park in Toukley
                         The Bali-Hai in Budgewoi
                         Shangri-La in Forster
                         Satori in Tuncurry
                         Nirvana in Umina
                         Utopia in Ourimbah..

               Ending as they collide with each other.

                                   MOE
                         Peabrain.

               MOE pokes LARRY in the eyes.

                                   ROBIN
                         Mindless violence. That's a form
                         of humour.

                                   MAE
                         Moe. Sugar me an ant. Make it a
                         bulljoe.

               MOE exits.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Tired of this game, Curly. Not
                         playing any more. Curly? There is
                         no-one else. There is no-one
                         else!

               MOE enters, splashes a bucket of water over CURLY.

                                   CURLY
                             (to ROBIN)
                         You! You! You!

               CURLY snorts, bull-like, stamps feet, stomach butts ROBIN.

                                   CURLY
                         Stay away from her, sleazebag!

               MOE douses CURLY with another bucket of water. ROBIN exits.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Curly!

                                   LARRY
                         The show doesn't start till
                         seven.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         It's only a play. There is no-one
                         else.

                                   CURLY
                             (calming)
                         It's only a play.

               NEDDA'S Act I aria from I Pagliacci - latter portion, from
               "stridono lassu" - rises.

                                   MOE
                         You coming to the pub?

                                   CURLY
                         OK!

               CURLY - fully revived - grins cheekily, waves at PHYLLIS.

               CURLY, MOE, LARRY exit. MAE and DORIS exit, opposite.

               PHYLLIS lingers, in a single spot, downstage.

               Seagulls cry, sporadically, as she speaks.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         High aloft they fly
                         Launched in flight through
                         heaven's blue ether
                         Arrows of light in the sky
                         Defying storm clouds, tempest,
                         sunlight
                         Flying forever through boundless
                         sky
                         Ever afar, up and onward forever
                         On! Never wearying, unchained
                         wings unfolding

               ROBIN enters, unseen, and listens.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         They have their visions, tender
                         beautiful visions
                         Soaring forever through golden
                         clouds
                         Though the wind howls and night
                         is dark above
                         Spreading their wings by plant
                         and star
                         No night dismays them, no storm
                         delays them
                         Soaring forever over sea and scar
                         Far! Oh so Far! Flying on wings
                         untiring
                         Seeking sweet regions they may
                         never know
                         What can bar their dreams and
                         desires?
                         Fate, fate leads them. Onward
                         still! They go! Onward still!
                         They go!

               Scene 2.

               The sound of waves breaking, gulls crying.

               STAN and OLLIE enter, sit on suitcases, heads in hands.

                                   OLLIE
                         Stanley. You've lost us again.

               STAN scratches his head.

                                   OLLIE
                         Will you stop doing that!

               STAN starts to cry.

                                   OLLIE
                         And stop that blubbering too.
                         What time is it?

                                   STAN
                             (realising)
                         I've lost my watch! My watch - !

                                   OLLIE
                         It certainly seems to be your day
                         for losing things. Merciful
                         heavens! What a contretemps!
                         Perhaps it fell off as you fed
                         the last of our per diems to the
                         Laughing Clowns.

                                   STAN
                         Me? I? But you..

               OLLIE discovers his fob watch is also missing.

                                   OLLIE
                         Stanley! My watch is missing!
                         You've lost my watch too! This is
                         another fine mess you've gotten
                         us into.

                                   STAN
                         Me? I? But you..

               OLLIE slow burns. Then hits STAN. STAN kicks OLLIE'S rear.

                                   OLLIE
                         Stanley! I am not going to fight
                         with you.

               STAN takes a pair of scissors, cuts OLLIE'S tie in half,
               and nods, as if to say: "so there".

               OLLIE takes the scissors, cuts STAN'S tie in half, nods.

               STAN takes the scissors and severs OLLIE'S braces. OLLIE'S
               trousers fall. STAN nods.

               CHARLIE enters. Watches.

               OLLIE cuts STAN'S braces. STAN'S trousers fall. OLLIE then
               rips STAN'S shirtfront open. And nods.

               ROBIN enters.

                                   ROBIN
                         Reciprocal destruction. That's a
                         form of humour.

               ROBIN exits, with a sideways glance at CHARLIE.

               STAN/OLLIE'S reciprocal destruction continues. When they
               are all but undressed, OLLIE notices CHARLIE, watching.

                                   OLLIE
                         Stanley. We are under
                         observation.

               STAN gives "the finger" to CHARLIE.

                                   OLLIE
                         Stanley! Merciful heavens! What
                         an imbroglio! Perhaps this kind
                         gentleman may be prevailed upon
                         to aid us in our timekeeping
                         predicament. Pardon me, my good
                         man. My impolite friend and I are
                         travelling players, and hence
                         newcomers to your fine coastal
                         village. I wonder, as an aperitif
                         of information, could you please
                         inform us of the time?

               No response from CHARLIE.

                                   OLLIE
                         I wonder, good sir, could you
                         tell us the time? The time? We
                         have a show to perform at seven.
                         Might a brace of complimentary
                         tickets assist our transaction?

               STAN produces tickets. CHARLIE stuffs them in a pocket.

                                   OLLIE
                         You're not foreign, are you?
                         Bongiorno? Domo origato? Jumbo,
                         bwana? Inky pinkey parlez-vous?
                         Dear me, Stanley, I believe the
                         poor chap is deaf and dumb. I
                         shall attempt conversation by
                         alternate means.

               OLLIE bows. CHARLIE doffs his hat.

                                   OLLIE
                         Words are but an extravagance,
                         Stanley. An extravagance.

               OLLIE taps his wrist, indicating "wristwatch"

               CHARLIE kisses OLLIE'S hand.

                                   OLLIE
                         An asylum seeker.

                                   STAN
                         A deaf and dumb asylum seeker.

                                   OLLIE
                         There'll be a wretchedly
                         unseaworthy boat beached here
                         somewhere. And we think we are
                         lost. I am Oliver. This is
                         Stanley. Do you perchance have
                         the time?

               OLLIE taps his wrist.

               CHARLIE kisses his hand again.

               OLLIE taps his wrist vigorously.

               CHARLIE kisses OLLIE'S hand vigorously.

               OLLIE elaborately mimes "checking the time", referencing
               the sun, hands of a big clock, etc. CHARLIE mimics OLLIE.
               Their combined actions become a pas de deux, of sorts.

               MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS, enter. Note STAN/OLLIE'S undress.

               DORIS adopts hammy, hands-on-hips, "outraged tomboy" pose.

                                   DORIS
                         Well, if you two don't take the
                         cake, I'm not Rock Hudson's
                         beard!

                                   MAE
                         You're not a tailor, are you?

               CHARLIE nods.

                                   STAN
                         He can't hear a word you're
                         saying.

               CHARLIE shakes his head.

                                   STAN
                         He's a deaf and dumb asylum
                         seeker.

               CHARLIE suddenly takes PHYLLIS in his arms and kisses her
               passionately. She struggles in his grip.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Yikes! Steady on! Steady on!
                         Steady on, dude!

               DORIS moves into a second hands-on-hips stance.

                                   DORIS
                         Well, if this doesn't beat all,
                         I'm not a married virgin with six
                         kids by different fathers!

                                   MAE
                         I see you two know each other. Do
                         I know you too?

               CHARLIE shakes his head.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         He's in the front row every
                         night.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         You made me love you, I didn't
                         want to do it..

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Shut up, Doris. I'll deck you.

               CHARLIE embraces PHYLLIS again. Kisses her neck.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Yikes!

                                   MAE
                         How long has this been going on?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         We're friends. I talk. He
                         listens.

                                   MAE
                         The perfect couple.

               PHYLLIS jumps, removes CHARLIE'S hand from her back pocket.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Short, are we?

               CHARLIE displays numerous empty pockets. Then drops to his
               knees and wordlessly declares his love, repeatedly.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         No, you do not. We're friends.
                         Get up.

                                   DORIS
                         We're leaving town tomorrow.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Ssh.

                                   DORIS
                         Better get a move on.

                                   MAE
                         Can you handle a broom, lover
                         boy?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Mae? No.

                                   MAE
                         We need a good factotum.
                             (to PHYLLIS)
                         Especially you.
                             (to CHARLIE)
                         Broom? Sweep? Money?

               MAE mimes sweeping - sexily - for payment.

                                   MAE
                         Oh Mae, how many men have you
                         swept off your feet?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Mae. He's not my lover. We just
                         talk.

                                   MAE
                         Red, white, and green tent, seven
                         o'clock. Don't be late. It's a
                         long time since Phyllis's
                         furniture was dusted.

               CHARLIE pulls up his sleeve, revealing an armload of
               watches, and sets numerous alarms.

               STAN taps OLLIE on the shoulder: do you see what I see?

               STAN and OLLIE'S eyes narrow. They fold their arms, tap
               their fingers, wait for CHARLIE to realise he is tumbled.

               CHARLIE realises, doffs his hat, pinches PHYLLIS'S rear -

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Yikes!

               -  gives "the finger" to STAN and exits at pace. STAN and
               OLLIE exit in pursuit.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         It's not going to happen.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         Que sera sera, whatever will be..

               MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS exit.

               Scene 3.

               Night. NEDDA - in guise of a fortune teller - sits at a
               small table, lit by a kerosene lamp, dealing cards.

                                   NEDDA
                         Red king. Black queen. Jack of
                         hearts. Here he comes. Ssh..

               CURLY enters.

                                   NEDDA
                         Ah. Pagliaccio.

                                   CURLY
                             (as 'hello')
                         Pagliaccio!

                                   NEDDA
                         We've been expecting you,
                         Pagliaccio.

                                   CURLY
                             (in fear)
                         Na-a-ah.

                                   NEDDA
                         Sit down, Pagliaccio.

               CURLY sits.

                                   NEDDA
                         On the chair.

               CURLY sits on the chair. Jumps in fright. The plucked
               chicken is on the chair.

                                   CURLY
                         Your cushion needs recovering.

                                   NEDDA
                             (shuffling cards)
                         Times are hard.

                                   CURLY
                         Sorry, lady. I sat on your pet.

                                   NEDDA
                         No matter. Chanticleer is dead.

                                   CURLY
                         Na-a-ah.

                                   NEDDA
                         My name is Nedda. I am a
                         Colombina.

                                   CURLY
                         I'm Curly. I'm an asthmatic.

                                   NEDDA
                         I know all about you, Pagliaccio.
                         For I was killed by passion. A
                         Pagliaccio's passion. Cut.

               She places the pack of cards before CURLY. He cuts. NEDDA
               deals nine cards, face down.

                                   NEDDA
                         I have come to warn you,
                         Pagliaccio. Tragedy lies ahead.

                                   CURLY
                         You've seen the show.

                                   NEDDA
                         You must not perform tonight.

                                   CURLY
                         Moe says we need all the fruit
                         and eggs we can get. You're fond
                         of that chicken, aren't you?

                                   NEDDA
                         Rooster.

                                   CURLY
                         Rooster.

                                   NEDDA
                         One gets lonely. Chanticleer was
                         a gift. From a clown. In another
                         time.

               NEDDA pats the chicken. It appears to jump.

                                   NEDDA
                         Chanticleer possesses occult
                         powers. The secret is in the
                         basting. Embalming fluid.
                         Chanticleer was plucked and
                         anointed by Egyptian virgins
                         before being buried alive with
                         his master, the court jester, in
                         Nefertiti's royal tomb, but he
                         kicked his way out of the
                         afterlife - observe the
                         drumsticks!
                         - and fled to Israel to be the
                         very cock who crowed thrice when
                         Peter denied Christ thrice - the
                         only fowl in the Middle East who
                         could count - whence,
                         disillusioned, he fled to Europe,
                         fell in with  gypsies -
                         vegetarians - suffered a series
                         of disastrous love affairs with
                         French hens, scratched around
                         Versailles looking at himself in
                         mirrors, gained selection as
                         mascot to all France, became
                         impossibly vain, pursued a career
                         in the theatre, was typecast in
                         Passion Plays, decided his forte
                         was comedy and joined a touring
                         Commedia del'Arte troupe, happily
                         passing the rest of his days as
                         Arlecchino's prop. Watch closely.

               She grasps the chicken by the drumsticks. It levitates.

                                   CURLY
                         Na-a-ah.

                                   NEDDA
                         I use him to divine soup.

               CHANTICLEER rises, circles CURLY, lands on his shoulder.

                                   NEDDA
                         Chanticleer likes you.

               CHANTICLEER taps CURLY's shoulder. He does not respond.
               CHANTICLEER slaps him across the face.

                                   NEDDA
                         He wants you to take the
                         controls. Chanticleer wishes to
                         tell you something.

                                   CURLY
                         Are you sure?

               CHANTICLEER slaps CURLY again.

                                   NEDDA
                         Sure as eggs.

               CHANTICLEER slaps NEDDA.

                                   NEDDA
                         Sorry, old cock. Chanticleer is
                         touchy about his masculinity.

               CHANTICLEER suddenly flies from NEDDA'S hands, into
               CURLY'S. CURLY careers wildly under CHANTICLEER'S power.

                                   CURLY
                         Is it winter? He's flying north!

                                   NEDDA
                         You are being tested, Pagliaccio.

               CURLY and CHANTICLEER execute several aerial manouevres,
               before CHANTICLEER hovers above the cards on the table.

                                   NEDDA
                         Pick a card. Any card.

               CURLY indicates a card.

                                   CURLY
                         That one.

               CHANTICLEER hits him, reprovingly.

                                   CURLY
                         All right, that one.

               CHANTICLEER hits him again.

                                   CURLY
                         Na-ah! That one?

               And again.

                                   CURLY
                         Mmm! Mmm! That one then!

               Once more.

                                   CURLY
                         OK, smart cock, you pick.

               CHANTICLEER pounds a card.

                                   CURLY
                         Are you sure?

               CHANTICLEER hits him again. CURLY turns the card.

                                   NEDDA
                         The Ace of Spades.

                                   CURLY
                         Is that bad?

               CHANTICLEER hits CURLY in the head and stomach, pokes him
               in the eyes, whirls him round, throws him to the floor.

                                   NEDDA
                         I tried to warn you. The Ace of
                         Spades is the card of death.

                                   CURLY
                         Who's going to die?

                                   NEDDA
                         Someone close to you.

                                   CURLY
                         You?

                                   NEDDA
                         I am close but someone is closer.

                                   CURLY
                         I didn't pick the card of death.
                         He did! Chanticleer picked it.

                                   NEDDA
                         Chanticleer is a medium.

                                   CURLY
                         Medium schmedium. Your stupid
                         bald rooster picked the card of
                         death, lady. You can't fool me.
                         It's rigged! He's already dead!

               He drops CHANTICLEER and exits.

                                   NEDDA
                         Pagliaccio!

                                   CURLY
                             (as "goodbye")
                         Pagliaccio!

               NEDDA retrieves CHANTICLEER.

                                   NEDDA
                         We try our best, Chanticleer.

               CHANTICLEER knocks her unconscious.

               Scene 4.

               The tent, backstage. MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS dress for the
               performance.

                                   MAE
                         Oh my god oh my god oh my god. I
                         look a thousand years old.

                                   DORIS
                         You look absolutely beautiful.

                                   MAE
                         Look at this old, old face. Old
                         old old. Oh my god oh my god oh
                         my god.

                                   DORIS
                         This morning the ticket man said
                         you looked more beautiful than
                         he's ever seen you.

                                   MAE
                         What did the ticket man say about
                         me?

                                   DORIS
                         He said you looked more beautiful
                         than he's ever seen you.

                                   MAE
                         Really? More beautiful? Really?

                                   DORIS
                         Really. More beautiful. Really.

                                   MAE
                         You tell the ticket man I think
                         he's a doll too.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         I have crow's feet. On the end of
                         my legs. Ah ha ha ha. You think
                         this is my hair? It's my nerve
                         ends.

                                   MAE
                         Charlie will relax you.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         It's not going to happen, Mae.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         Que sera sera..

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Shut up, Doris. Curly'd go off
                         like a New Years Eve cracker. He
                         already has too many lumps on his
                         head. When a phrenologist
                         attempted a reading he retired
                         hurt with gravel rash on his
                         palms. Ah ha ha ha.

                                   MAE
                         What he doesn't know won't hurt
                         him. You're an actress, aren't
                         you?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         I'd tell him. If it happened.
                         Which it won't.

                                   MAE
                         He doesn't want to know, petal.

                                   DORIS
                         They say they want the truth but
                         they don't. Larry went round the
                         twist when I told him.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         You?

                                   DORIS
                         Me. The married virgin adultress.
                         Once. Larry was touring without
                         me. I shouldn't have told him. We
                         never got over it.
                             (sings)
                         Tell me now, I've got to know
                         Whether you want me to stay or go
                         Love me or leave me and let me be
                         lonely..

                                   MAE
                         I knew I was destined for a
                         string of affairs on my wedding
                         night. I encountered Moe's
                         Dobermann Pinscher print pyjamas
                         It's not a big deal, Phyll
                         sweetheart. We can keep a secret,
                         can't we, Doris?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         He'll find out. I have bad luck.
                         When I was fourteen I was
                         molested in Broken Hill and got
                         arrested for interfering with a
                         miner. Ah ha ha. Know how I
                         caught Curly? Shotgun marriage.
                         Dad said he'd blow my head off if
                         I didn't marry someone quick
                         smart. Ah ha ha ha.

                                   MAE
                         Are you finished?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         I'm not as unlucky as my sister
                         Chenille. As in bedspread. She
                         has facial hair. When she tried
                         electrolysis she blacked out
                         south west Sydney.

                                   MAE
                         Finished?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         I did have an accidental affair.
                         In a park. A weirdo fell out of a
                         tree and landed on top of me. He
                         was terribly apologetic. The
                         branch broke. Ah ha ha.

                                   MAE
                         Finished? Curly is already
                         curdled with pre-emptive
                         jealousy. He needs a reason. Give
                         him one.

               ROBIN enters, with a pillow and rope. And bottle. He has
               been drinking.

               DORIS stands, hands on hips, aggrieved.

                                   DORIS
                         Robin. Please knock before you
                         enter.

                                   ROBIN
                         Do we have secrets, do we?

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         Pillow talk, pillow talk..

                                   ROBIN
                         I require assistance with my
                         humping. Double entendre. That's
                         a form of humour.

               DORIS helps tie the pillow on ROBIN'S back.

                                   ROBIN
                         Are we doing anything after the
                         show, ladies?

                                   DORIS
                         We are bowing.

                                   ROBIN
                         I thought we might steal away to
                         an adult location for a little
                         guilt-free sexual adventuring.
                         You are unhappy, ladies. Why not
                         push back the frontiers of
                         coupledom with Don Juan di
                         Viscount Millard Winnebago,
                         Casanova of the Caravan Parks?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         I have a lot of beauty sleep to
                         catch up on, Quasimodo. Ah ha ha.

                                   ROBIN
                         Harmless lewdness behind your
                         husband's backs is all I propose.
                         Group Twister with no clothes.
                         Nude Mormon For A Night. Back to
                         the free lovin' 70s without the
                         nightmare stench of sandalwood.

                                   DORIS
                         Robin. You've been drinking.

                                   ROBIN
                         Constantly. Heavily. Lovingly. I
                         wash down my smorgasbord of
                         medication. Ro-eys, moggies,
                         seccies, percodies, barbies.
                         Mayday! I'm marooned on a
                         psychotropic island. I send a
                         message in a bottle on the hour,
                         every hour: "Wanted: Girls girls
                         girls! Help a confused Satyr
                         convince himself he's not gay!
                         Industrial strength proof
                         required, in bulk. Apply Lost
                         Comic, All At Sea". Safety in
                         numbers, girls. No-one need feel
                         left out. How about it? I love
                         you all. Incoming!

               ROBIN lurches at MAE, to kiss her. MAE throws him off.

                                   MAE
                         Back to your bells, Quasimodo.
                         Your dingaling doesn't ring my
                         thing.  

                                   ROBIN
                         Treat em mean and keep em keen!
                             (sings)
                         "You just keep me hanging on."
                         Incoming!

               ROBIN jumps DORIS, with similar intent. She repels him.

                                   DORIS
                         Ugh! Don't touch me! I'm a
                         virgin!

                                   ROBIN
                         Ham-next-door in moral danger.
                         That's a form of humour.

                                   DORIS
                         You have a nerve, Robin!

                                   MAE
                         And I know where it is.

                                   ROBIN
                         Phyllis. How about a kiss? Just a
                         kiss. Give me a kiss.

               He throws himself upon PHYLLIS.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Yikes! Down, Rover, down!

               MAE and DORIS drag ROBIN off.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Get the mud! Get the Banksia Man!
                         Ah ha ha ha.

                                   ROBIN
                         Just a little itty bitty kiss,
                         babe - !  

               He lurches at PHYLLIS again. She slaps him.

                                   ROBIN
                         You don't understand. I love you.
                         I love you all! I can prove it!
                         All we have to do is take off our
                         clothes!

               MAE and DORIS slap ROBIN, in turn.

                                   MAE/DORIS
                         Get more mud! Get three Banksia
                         Men! Ah ha ha ha.

                                   ROBIN
                         Don't laugh at me. Don't you
                         laugh at me.

               CHARLIE enters, in a dressing gown, sweeping.

                                   ROBIN
                          Don't you dare laugh at me.

               ROBIN eyeballs CHARLIE. CHARLIE sweeps on. ROBIN exits.

               CHARLIE doffs his hat to PHYLLIS. Underneath are 3 roses.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         How long since you washed your
                         hair?

               CHARLIE presents the roses to PHYLLIS. She backs away,
               reluctant to take them. CHARLIE follows her.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         My husband's ears are so dirty he
                         grows potatoes in them.
                         He hears with an Irish accent and
                         sees a specialist every six
                         months to be harvested. Ah ha ha
                         ha.

               CHARLIE corners PHYLLIS. Thrusts the roses at her.

                                   CHARLIE
                             (in one breath)
                         There you go, gorgeous, freshly
                         nicked from a garden down the
                         road, yeah, the old Akubra comes
                         in handy sometimes, yeah, silly
                         old bugger saw me but he rolled
                         his motorised wheelchair on a
                         tight bend -

               He demonstrates turning a corner on the run, Chaplin style.

               ROBIN enters, in shadow. He lingers, unseen, observing.

                                   CHARLIE
                         - and I won't stay long, just
                         sweeping the stage before you
                         fairies do your dance, but thanks
                         for the job, I really need the
                         brass, haven't seen hide nor hair
                         of tucker in days, on the run
                         from some mad sheila with a
                         vicious chook from up the coast,
                         but so bugger me what she's on
                         about, and but I've also gotta
                         give that fella in the other
                         dressing room a miss, the thin
                         dandruffy one, Stan, yeah, Stan,
                         reckons I nicked his watch -
                             (checks arm of watches)
                         - but even if I did it doesn't
                         work anyway, but his slow fat
                         mate keeps following me real
                         close and stepping in my dirt,
                         and but that mean-looking one
                         with the Matilda strapped to his
                         back keeps giving me the hairy
                         eyeball, but I'm only trying to
                         do my job and what'd I ever do to
                         him, so I reckon he's onto us,
                         gorgeous, but anyway your old man
                         doesn't bother me, he just keeps
                         hitting himself and thumping his
                         brothers and making real weird
                         noises like a cow in lucerne, and
                         he won't mind I borrowed his
                         dressing gown, will he, so what I
                         reckon is, if you're a drifter
                         like me, a bit of a bum, let's
                         face it, people are always
                         getting on your back about
                         something when all you're trying
                         to do is rustle up a few bucks to
                         feed yourself, and keep your eye
                         on the ball, which is to get love
                         where you can find it, so what
                         I'm saying is, will you come away
                         with me tonight?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         You speak.

                                   CHARLIE
                         A bloke doesn't come across a
                         bird worth talking to every day.
                         Don't mind they're nicked, do
                         you?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         A nicked rose smells sweeter than
                         a bought rose.

                                   CHARLIE
                         So how about it? Hit the dusty
                         trail with me? Tonight?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Don't tempt me.

                                   MAE
                         Tempt her. Tempt her.

                                   CHARLIE
                         Show you a good time, gorgeous.
                         Inland. The open road. The wide
                         brown land. Beats poofy pantos in
                         twilight villages. You with me?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         This is madness.

               NEDDA enters, disguised as a mother, with swaddled baby.
               She knocks ROBIN over in her haste. He exits.

                                   NEDDA
                             (to CHARLIE)
                         You! You! Oh father! Your child!
                         Your six week old baby son! Your
                         child which you have not seen! Oh
                         father! Come home!

                                   CHARLIE
                         Oh, come on, lady, not you again,
                         what are you on about? That's not
                         my baby.

                                   NEDDA
                         Oh shield your innocent eyes,
                         your unscaled ears, my baby son.
                         Come home, father, please!

                                   CHARLIE
                         That's not my baby. I swear on a
                         stack of Bibles higher than Mount
                         Kosciusko -

                                   NEDDA
                         I may forgive you, but will the
                         child, when he is teased in the
                         playground? Who will take the boy
                         hunting and fishing?

                                   CHARLIE
                         If I had a baby, I'd do the right
                         thing, may I burn in hell if I
                         lie, but that's not my baby.

                                   NEDDA
                         Who will take him to the SCG?

                                   CHARLIE
                         Jesus, lady, fair crack of the
                         whip, you see what I mean? Always
                         after you for something, always
                         on your flaming back -

                                   NEDDA
                         Beautiful lady, please, give me
                         back my husband and the child his
                         father -

               CHARLIE rips off the baby's clothing to reveal CHANTICLEER.

                                   CHARLIE
                         That's not my baby!

                                   NEDDA
                         Go for the throat, Chanticleer.

               CHANTICLEER - in NEDDA'S grip - attacks CHARLIE. CHARLIE
               hides behind PHYLLIS. Fracas ensues.

               CHARLIE falls and drags PHYLLIS to the ground with him.

               ROBIN and CURLY enter.

                                   ROBIN
                         Ha! See! See!

               CHARLIE conceals his face behind his hat.

               CURLY emits a strange wounded elongated howl.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Curly -

                                   CURLY
                         MOE! LARRY! Help! Drop the
                         spaghetti - !

               CURLY exits, followed by ROBIN.

                                   PHYLLIS
                             (pushing CHARLIE out)
                         Make yourself scarce. Go, go!

                                   CHARLIE
                         Midnight. Behind the Carousel

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Midnight. Behind the Carousel.

               She pushes him out as CURLY, MOE, LARRY, ROBIN enter.

                                   ROBIN
                         Ha! There!

               They chase CHARLIE, foul each other, and fall over.

                                   NEDDA
                         Which way, Chanticleer? Which
                         way?

               CHANTICLEER divines the direction to be taken. NEDDA exits.
               ROBIN laughs, darkly amused.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Snake.

               MOE exits in pursuit of CHARLIE. LARRY peers after MOE.
               CURLY runs in circles.

                                   LARRY
                         Attaboy Moe! Curly, Moe's got
                         him!

               CURLY hits his head on a wall, repeatedly.

                                   LARRY
                         There goes Moe with a left hook.
                         There goes Moe with a right
                         cross. There goes Moe with an
                         uppercut.
                             (following trajectory)
                         There goes Moe.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Curly - it's nothing -

                                   CURLY
                         Get away from me!

                                   PHYLLIS
                         It's all in your head.

               CURLY stops hitting his head. He stands, head bowed and
               resting against the wall.

               MOE staggers in.

                                   LARRY
                         Did you see his face, Moe?

                                   MOE
                         He had his hat over it. But I got
                         his dressing gown.

                                   LARRY
                         Is there a name in it?

                                   MOE
                         Stand back, boofhead. You're in
                         the light. Aha! Aha! There is
                         something..can you make it out?

                                   LARRY
                         Onkaparinga. A scotsman, eh?

                                   MOE
                         Numbskull! Give me that. Yes!
                         Aha! Here's the name. Moe
                         Caramello.

                                   LARRY
                         Moe! You! Why, Moe, why? Curly is
                         your brother!

                                   MOE
                         Imbecile. I was with you all the
                         time.

                                   LARRY
                         I don't understand.

                                   MOE
                         Listen, Einstein.

                                   LARRY
                         Newton.

                                   MOE
                         Listen, Newton. It's obvious. The
                         guy bought a dressing gown just
                         like mine and wrote my name in it
                         to throw us off the scent.
                         Dropkick! What's his name,
                         Phyllis? I want his name.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         What?

                                   MOE
                         Ah! Watt! So it's Watt, is it?
                         Watt! Aha! Watt!

                                   LARRY
                         What's his name?

                                   MOE
                         That's right.

                                   LARRY
                         What?

                                   MOE
                         That's what she said. Watt.

                                   LARRY
                         What?

                                   MOE
                         Yes.

                                   LARRY
                         What's his name again?

                                   MOE
                         Watt! Watt! Watt is his name!

                                   LARRY
                         I don't know! Phyllis. What is
                         his name?

                                   MOE
                         You don't have to tell her. She
                         already knows.

                                   LARRY
                         Already knows what?

                                   MOE
                         Intimately.

               (This could extend to "who", "where", and "how"..)

                                   MAE
                         Moe. Moe Moe Moe. We don't know
                         his name. He was nobody. Some bum
                         off the streets. He was wobbly on
                         muscat and knocked Phyllis over -

               CURLY leaps at PHYLLIS and seizes her by the throat.

                                   CURLY
                         Who is your lover? Tell me!

                                   PHYLLIS
                         No-one!

               MOE and LARRY drag CURLY off.

                                   CURLY
                         Tell me his name!

                                   PHYLLIS
                         It's all in your head. You know
                         me. I hate muscat.

               CURLY exits, bumping into STAN and OLLIE as they enter.

                                   STAN
                         Two minutes! Curtain in two
                         minutes! Places everyone!

                                   OLLIE
                         Chop chop. Why aren't we dressed?
                         Goodness gracious, what an
                         imbroglio!

               Scene 5.

               The aria "vesti la giubba", from I Pagliacci, plays.

               CURLY enters a single spot, downstage.

                                   CURLY
                         To act, with my heart maddened
                         with sorrow
                         I know not what I'm saying or
                         doing
                         Yet I must face it. Courage, my
                         heart!
                         Bah! You are not a man! You are
                         but a jester!
                         On with the motley, the paint and
                         the powder
                         The people pay you and want their
                         laughter
                         If Arlecchino your Colombina has
                         stolen
                         Laugh, Pagliacci, the world will
                         cry Bravo!
                         Go hide with laughter your tears
                         and sorrow
                         Sing, be merry, play your part
                         Laugh Pagliacci, for the love
                         that is ended
                         Laugh for the sorrow that eats
                         your heart.

               Scene 6.

               MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS sit at a large, cloth-draped table.

               MAE is costumed as Brunhilde, operatic Viking lass. DORIS
               is mad Lucia di Lammamoor. PHYLLIS is Carmen, with
               mantilla, fan, and CHARLIE'S roses: one in her bosom,
               another in her hair, a third gripped in her teeth.

               Style of The Play is low budget comic opera, embellished
               with mime and attempts at grandness.

                                   MAE
                             (sigh)
                         Ah me, Colombina Lucia. Der scent
                         of jasmine hangs heady in the
                         still of summer, ja?

                                   DORIS
                             (sigh)
                         Ah me, Colombina Carmina. The bum
                         of the humblebee calls the mart
                         to the headow, si? Non! The hum
                         of the bumblebee calls the heart
                         to the meadow, si?

               PHYLLIS struggles to talk until DORIS removes the rose.

                                   PHYLLIS
                             (sigh)
                         Ah me, Colombina Brunhilde. El
                         thorn of el rose stings with el
                         pain of foolish romance.

                                   MAE
                         Ah, but love is worth das prick.

                                   DORIS
                         Should not Arlecchino, our lover,
                         be with us by now, si?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         We must stop meeting Arlecchino
                         in the casa. Will not our
                         husbands The Three Pagliacci one
                         day fail to step on the
                         rollerskates we leave in the
                         hall?

                                   MAE
                         If Die Three Pagliacci avoid die
                         rollerskates, will they resist
                         die stuffed skunk on the landing,
                         die soda siphons up the stairs,
                         die custard pies and die bowls of
                         clam chowder at the top? Nein.
                         Der alarm system is foolproof,
                         meine kleine Carmina. Do nicht
                         trouble yourself.

               PHYLLIS plucks a rose.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         He loves me, he loves me not, he
                         loves me, he loves me not, yes,
                         no, yes, no, yes, no.

               She tries a second rose.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Yes, no, yes, no, yes -

               CHARLIE enters, by accident, lost in thought, sweeping. He
               stops centrestage, wipes his brow, blows his nose.

               The women roll their eyes, gesture for CHARLIE to leave.

                                   DORIS
                         Should not Arlecchino, our lover -
                         not il cleanerino - be with us by
                         now, si?

               CHARLIE realises where he is. He freezes.

                                   MAE
                         Ah me. Der romance of summer is -
                         piss off! - in das air. Mother
                         Nature has finished her spring
                         cleaning, ja?

               CHARLIE remains frozen. DORIS distracts the audience with
               song and dance.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         We were sailing along, on
                         Moonlight Bay
                         We could hear the  voices
                         singing..

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Lost in sweet fragrance, I dream
                         of my secret admirer who must
                         leave immediately. Si, I fear el
                         violent murderous jealousy of my
                         violent murderous husband,
                         Pagliaccio of el violent
                         murderous temper and access to
                         uno sharp axe. Oh restless
                         passions! Lover make haste!

                                   MAE/DORIS
                         Lover make haste!
                             (sotto)
                         Piss off, will you?

               CHARLIE remains frozen. DORIS tries distraction again.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         Take me back to the Black Hills,
                         the Black Hills of Dakota..

                                   MAE
                             (has an idea)
                         Gotterdammerung! What is der
                         statue doing inside das haus?
                         Achtung! Adonis lives in die
                         garden.

               MAE/PHYLLIS lift CHARLIE bodily, intending to move him out.

                                   MAE
                         Put him in das toolshed with die
                         other broken down rakes. Oh ho
                         Brunhilde, you are the card, ja?

               ROBIN enters. Catches MAE/PHYLLIS en route with CHARLIE.

                                   ROBIN
                         Ah.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Ah.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         Oh, the Deadwood Stage is a
                         rollin' on over the plain..

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Statue. Toolshed.

               MAE/PHYLLIS try to bypass ROBIN. He tries to take CHARLIE.
               Tussle ensues.

                                   DORIS
                         With the curtains flappin' and
                         the driver slappin' his reins..

                                   ROBIN
                         This is not the women's work,
                         madames.

                                   DORIS
                         Beautiful sky! A wonderful day!

                                   PHYLLIS
                         I need the exercise, Leonardo.

                                   DORIS
                         Whip crack away, whip crack away,
                         whip crack awaaaay!

               ROBIN wrests CHARLIE from PHYLLIS/MAE.

                                   ROBIN
                         A surprise gift for the master,
                         si? Where will he live? Ah!

               He positions CHARLIE in a corner.

                                   ROBIN
                         Excellento. A feature coatrack in
                         the classic style, no?

                                   MAE
                         It makes der room look like ein
                         cigar store in Brisbane.

               CHARLIE inches towards sidestage. ROBIN brings him back.

                                   ROBIN
                         The eyes, they follow you around
                         the room! But should he not be
                         naked? For sake of authenticity?

               He removes CHARLIE'S belt. Ties his legs together with it.

                                   MAE
                         Leonardo? Please take der statue
                         outside. We three will be
                         exceedingly grateful, ja?

                                   ROBIN
                         How grateful?

                                   MAE
                         Not that grateful.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         I could be. That grateful.

               Pause.

                                   ROBIN
                         Leonardo will think about this.
                         While I think, shall I lay the
                         table, madame?

                                   MAE
                         Aren't you afraid of die
                         splinters, Leonardo, boom boom?

               ROBIN exits. The women rush to free CHARLIE.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Better hit the road, sport.

                                   CHARLIE
                         How about it? You with me?

               ROBIN enters, with a large platter.

                                   ROBIN
                         The hors d'oeuvres, Madames.
                         Snails soixante-neuf. I find the
                         recipe in "Mrs Beaton Whips It
                         Out", sold in brown paper wrapper
                         under the counter at the DJs the
                         Homemakers. First, slaughter your
                         snails.

                                   MAE
                         That will be enough, Leonardo.

                                   ROBIN
                         Might I suggest you consume the
                         snails immediately, or the little
                         buggers will finish what they're
                         doing, have a quick satisfying
                         Gauloise, then whip over the top
                         into the side salad?

                                   MAE
                         Danke schon, Leonardo.

               ROBIN exits. The women return to freeing CHARLIE.

                                   CHARLIE
                         You with me?

               ROBIN enters with another platter.

                                   ROBIN
                         The Swan Egg Pavlova, madames.
                         Topped with the choc-dipped,
                         cognac-steeped strawberries
                         arranged in depiction of a
                         Turkish odalisque at her toilet.
                         From the same cookbook. The
                         masters return soon, madames?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         The masters are out hunting, Leo.
                         From where they will be rushed to
                         hospital as the Bunny Liberation
                         Front celebrates possession of
                         three automatic rifles. Ah ha ha.

                                   ROBIN
                         Or perhaps The Three Pagliacci
                         will be stuffed and mounted in
                         flight over the mantlepiece on a
                         warren wall.

               MAE, DORIS, PHYLLIS laugh.

                                   ROBIN
                         Ah, Madames. You laugh again!
                         Lately your hearts are seeming
                         most heavy. Tears do not belong
                         on such beautiful faces!
                         Leonardo, he despises your cruel
                         and stupid husbands for this.

                                   MAE
                         Leonardo forgets his station.

                                   ROBIN
                         No. No no no! Leonardo sees! The
                         Three Pagliacci, they wound your
                         beauty. They murder your
                         laughter.

               ROBIN drops to his knees.

                                   ROBIN
                         Leonardo, he confesses. He is
                         fallen deep in love with the
                         Colombini.

                                    DORIS
                         All of us? Tutti?

                                   ROBIN
                         Tutti! Leonardo, he acts! Out of
                         his love for the Colombini!

                                   DORIS
                         All of us? Tutti?

                                   ROBIN
                         Tutti! Leonardo, he endeavours to
                         free the Colombini from their
                         marital chains.

                                   DORIS
                         All of us? Tutti?

                                   ROBIN
                         Tutti! Many many times, Leonardo,
                         he stuff the husbands' chicken
                         cacciatore with the ground glass.
                         But always the dead and naked
                         fowl, it flies round the room,
                         you know? Out the window! You
                         know? Leonardo, he conceals the
                         fish hooks in the lobster bisque,
                         but always the crustacean reaches
                         from the bowl and bites the
                         husbands on the nose before they
                         sup! Always! You know? Leonardo,
                         he sautes their eggs in arsenic,
                         but the imbeciles - imbeciles! -
                         take it upon themselves to toss
                         their own omelettes, and they
                         poison the ceiling! Ecco! Look
                         there! Tracks of the airborne
                         breakfast.

               DORIS picks strawberries off the pavlova.

                                   DORIS
                         Delicioso, Leonardo. There is
                         more, si? Did you say something?

                                   ROBIN
                         Leonardo, he throws himself at
                         your feet.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         The last man to do that to me was
                         an incredulous bootmaker.

                                   ROBIN
                         Brunhilde, the lusty Valkyrie,
                         Lucia, the mad sweet lollipop,
                         Carmina, the Lady of Spain, I
                         adore you.

                                   DORIS
                         All of us? Tutti?
                             (sings, eating)
                         When it snows, ain't it thrilling
                         Though your nose gets a chilling
                         We'll frolic and play the Eskimo
                         way
                         Walking in a winter wonderland..

                                   ROBIN
                         Do not mock me. My heart is true.

                                   DORIS
                         More strawberries, Leonardo?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Easy on the cognac, Leo. The
                         berries is going to her head.

               A flurry of Spanish guitar. STAN - as picador, with guitar -
               and OLLIE - a matador - enter, flourishing capes.

                                   OLLIE
                         Ole!

                                   STAN
                         Ole!

               STAN and OLLIE bump into each other. Rebounding, they bump
               the pavlova up and into ROBIN'S face.

                                   PHYLLIS
                             (re ROBIN)
                         Get my sister Chenille on the
                         blower. I've found her a date.

                                   ROBIN
                         Punctured dignity. That's a form
                         of humour.

               ROBIN exits.

                                   OLLIE
                         Arlecchino is here!

               An overly long guitar flourish from STAN. OLLIE glares.

                                   OLLIE
                         Ole!

               A late guitar flourish.

                                   STAN
                         Ole!

                                   OLLIE
                         Arlecchino is here!

               OLLIE tosses his cape over his shoulder. STAN fails to
               catch it. OLLIE glares.

                                   MAE
                         Who's your little amigo, grossen
                         boy?

                                   OLLIE
                         This is my new faithful
                         manservant, Pancho. Pancho shall
                         serenade us and keep watch for
                         your husbands, The Three
                         Pagliacci, while we make love.
                         Ha! Toro! The matador presents
                         the beautiful signoras with the
                         ceremonial bullfighter's cap.

                                   PHYLLIS
                             (re cap)
                         Mickey Mouse's glands are up.

                                   DORIS
                         It is tradition to present the
                         bull's ears, for the beef stock,
                         si? You're late, Arlecchino.

                                   OLLIE
                         My new faithful manservant lost
                         his watch.

                                   STAN
                         Ole! Ha Toro?

                                   OLLIE
                         Pancho. Hang my cape and post
                         yourself at the door.

                                   STAN
                         Ole! Ha! Toro!

               STAN hangs OLLIE'S cape over CHARLIE, and turns away.

               CHARLIE removes the cape and drops it on the floor.

               STAN turns and is puzzled to see the cape on the floor.

               He repositions it over CHARLIE. Who drops it again.

               The cape routine continues, with many variations, to
               culminate in a cape hurling fight.

               While OLLIE makes shy bullfighter love to the ladies.

               Until STAN, teary, tries to tell OLLIE of the cape problem.

                                   OLLIE
                         All right then, Pancho. I shall
                         hang up the cape.

               He does so. And gets the cape in the back of the head.

                                   OLLIE
                         Pancho!

               A second cape routine results, intersperced with "Ole!",
               "Ha! Toro!", "Pancho!", "Temper, temper". It ends with
               CHARLIE triumphant. Yet still a statue, to STAN and OLLIE.

                                   OLLIE
                         Pancho. I shall keep the cape.
                         You shall post yourself at the
                         door. Do not disturb us again.

                                   STAN
                         But, but..

                                   OLLIE
                         No buts. Save them for the
                         bullfight. Ho ho ho. Sweet
                         Colombini. How we have prayed for
                         this moment, and love has heard
                         our prayers. Arlecchino is here
                         to take you away!

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Where to, Arlecchino?

                                   MAE
                         I'm an antique lover. Any old
                         wheres is fine with me.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         I know a dark secluded place
                         A place where no-one knows your
                         face
                         A glass of wine, a fast embrace
                         It's called Hernando's Hideaway.
                         Ole!

                                   STAN
                         Ole!

                                   OLLIE
                         Ole! On wings of love shall we
                         fly!

               ROBIN enters with another pavlova. OLLIE spots the food.

                                   OLLIE
                         We shall depart after dinner!

                                   STAN
                         Ole!

                                   OLLIE
                         Ole!

               He gestures grandly. ROBIN collects a second facial pav.

                                   OLLIE
                         Pancho. Find your brother in
                         manservice a clean towel.

               STAN gives OLLIE'S cape to ROBIN.

                                   MAE
                         OK, grossen boy, what is deine
                         plan?

                                   OLLIE
                         I have purchased a sleeping
                         potion.

                                   DORIS
                         Toro, that is silly. I'm not
                         tired at all. Don't you want to
                         be our lover, ole ha Toro?

                                   OLLIE
                         Innocent insane Lucia, I fear you
                         have misconstrued my scheme.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Construe us, Toro, construe us.

               STAN spots the husbands approaching, offstage. He taps
               OLLIE'S shoulder, with urgency.

                                   OLLIE
                         Not now, Pancho. My plan is this.
                         We pour the draught into your
                         husbands' wine -

               STAN, agitated, continues trying to alert OLLIE.

                                   OLLIE
                         Not now, Pancho! We don't care
                         about your altercation with a
                         statue! Return to your post!

                                   STAN
                         But, but..

                                   OLLIE
                         Pancho! Your husbands shall
                         imbibe the wine and fall asleep.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         We will not need el potion. I'll
                         just wind the clock.

                                   OLLIE
                         We shall conceal ourselves until
                         the draught takes effect, then
                         escape into the night.

               Downstage, STAN points frantically, scratches head, cries.

                                   STAN
                         Oh all right, Pancho. What is it?

               STAN points, raises three fingers, pulls a horrid face.

                                   OLLIE
                         The Three Pagliacci return!

               STAN mimes violent aggression.

                                   OLLIE
                         They are angry and suspect foul
                         play. Oh dear. What a brouhaha.
                         From which direction do The Three
                         Pagliacci approach?

               STAN points.

                                   OLLIE
                         Where did you hitch our horse?

               STAN points in the same direction.

                                   OLLIE
                         We must hide!

               OLLIE dives under the table. STAN becomes a second statue.

                                   PHYLLIS
                             (to CHARLIE)
                         Get out of here, el pronto.

               CHARLIE inches towards the side of the stage.

                                   CHARLIE
                         Midnight. Behind the Carousel.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Yeah, yeah. Midnight. Behind the
                         Carousel.

               CHARLIE is too slow. MOE, LARRY, CURLY enter, in hunter's
               outfits, Davy Crockett hats. CURLY'S is made from a skunk.

               CHARLIE stays as a statue.

               CURLY carries a rifle. He leans it against CHARLIE.

                                   MOE
                         OK, Brunhilde. The game's up.
                         Someone has been here with you.

                                   LARRY
                         Right, Lucia. Oh.

               LARRY sees the wine. He rubs some into his hair.

                                   LARRY
                         Hey, this is good.

               MOE slaps LARRY.

                                   MOE
                         Put that down, Boofhead. We know
                         what's been going on, don't we,
                         boys?
                             (to PHYLLIS)
                         We heard what you said.
                             (to LARRY)
                         Didn't we?

                                   LARRY
                             (to CURLY)
                         We heard what you said. Didn't
                         we?

                                   CURLY
                             (to no-one)
                         We heard what you said. Didn't
                         we?

                                   MOE
                         You said: "Midnight. Behind the
                         Carousel."

                                   LARRY
                         You said: "Midnight. Behind the
                         Carousel."

                                   CURLY
                         You said: "Midnight. Behind the
                         Carousel."

                                   MOE
                         We've heard that before.

                                   MAE
                         Gentlemen.

                                   LARRY
                         Who came in?

                                   MOE
                         Who's been here with you?

                                   MAE
                         Gentlemen.

                                   MOE
                         Oh, Gentlemen! Gentlemen, were
                         they? Are you implying we're not
                         gentlemen? Hear that, Curly?
                         Their visitors were gentlemen.
                         Well, that's all right then. Why
                         you no good two timing Colombina!

                                   MAE
                         Ruffle nicht die threads,
                         Pagliaccio.

                                   MOE
                         Don't trifle with me, woman. Get
                         back in the kitchen. Come back
                         here!

                                   DORIS
                         Did you shoot the rabbits,
                         Pagliaccio?

                                   LARRY
                         My gun got stuck in the burrow.

                                   MOE
                         Someone was here with you!

                                   LARRY
                         Someone was here with you!

               ROBIN enters with a third pavlova.

                                   DORIS
                         Only the hunchback fool Leonardo.

                                   ROBIN
                         Your wives speak the truth, sirs.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         Oh the Deadwood Stage is a
                         headin' on over the hills
                         Where the injun arrows are
                         thicker than porcupine quills - !

               DORIS bumps the pavlova into ROBIN'S face. He exits.

                                   DORIS
                         Dangerous land! No time to delay!
                         So, whip crack away, whip crack
                         away, whip crack awaaaay - !

               ROBIN returns with a fourth pav, collides with DORIS'S
               flourish, and is disfigured again. ROBIN exits.

                                   MOE
                         Do you think we're fools? Who
                         owns that horse downstairs?

                                   MAE
                         What horse?

                                   MOE
                         There's a horse downstairs. But
                         your lover's outsmarted yourself.
                         The horse is lame. Ha! It tripped
                         over some rollerskates in the
                         hall. And it's too fat to get out
                         the door anyway, because it's
                         stuffed itself on custard pies
                         and clam chowder. All the soda in
                         the world won't help that nag.

                                   LARRY
                         And don't forget the skunk!

                                   MOE
                         Yeah, and don't forget the skunk.
                         What?

                                   LARRY
                         Who gave you these statues?

                                   DORIS
                         They came in from the garden.

                                   MOE
                         Oh, the statues walked in from
                         the garden all by themselves, did
                         they?

                                   DORIS
                         No, they came on the horse,
                         silly.

                                   STAN
                             (about to sneeze)
                         Ah ah ah ah -

               CHARLIE puts a finger under STAN'S nose.

                                   DORIS
                         AH CHOO! Ah choo. Ah choo.

                                   OLLIE
                             (about to sneeze)
                         Ah ah ah ah -

               PHYLLIS puts a finger under OLLIE'S nose.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Ah CHOO! Ah choo. Ah choo. On my
                         knees, Pagliaccio, I beg you to
                         believe me. No-one was here.

               OLLIE sneezes.

                                   MAE/DORIS/PHYLLIS
                         AH CHOO! AH CHOO! Ah CHOO!

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Did you forget to close the door
                         downstairs, Pagliaccio?

                                   CURLY
                         Someone was here with you!

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Nonsense, my husband. You drink
                         too much el vino tinto y blanco.

                                   CURLY
                         Perhaps I drink too much el vino
                         tinto y blanco.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Why do you return so early?

                                   CURLY
                         Just in time, methinks! You were
                         not lonely, were you? Who has
                         been with you, my love?

                                   PHYLLIS
                         No-one, Pagliaccio. I love only
                         you. You must believe me.

                                   CURLY
                         I saw you with him. Tell me his
                         name!

                                   PHYLLIS
                         No. No, Pagliaccio -

               As on and offstage life start to merge, for CURLY, music
               from the comparable part of the opera rises, under.

                                   CURLY
                         No! Pagliaccio no moreo!

                                   MOE/LARRY
                         No! Pagliaccio no moreo!

                                   CURLY
                         Fool that I sheltered thee!

                                   MOE/LARRY
                         Fool that I sheltered thee!

                                   CURLY
                         And made thee mine by every
                         tender token

                                   MOE/LARRY
                         And made thee mine by every
                         tender token

                                   CURLY
                         Of the love that I gave thee,
                         what is there left to me?

                                   MOE/LARRY
                         Of the love that I gave thee,
                         what is there left to me?

                                   CURLY
                         What have I now but a heart that
                         is broken?

                                   MOE/LARRY
                         What have I now but a heart that
                         is broken?

                                   STAN
                         Bravo! Ole!

                                   MOE
                         Tell me his name, Brunhilde. His
                         name!

                                   MAE
                         Who?

                                   MOE
                         Aha! It's Hoo, is it? Hoo! Aha!

                                   LARRY
                         What's his name?

                                   MOE
                         Hoo.

                                   LARRY
                         What?

                                   MOE
                         No, Hoo.

                                   LARRY
                         Who?

                                   MOE
                         Yes.

                                   LARRY
                         What's his name again?

                                   MOE
                         Hoo, dummy, hoo!

                                   LARRY
                         I don't know! Lucia, what is his
                         name?

                                   DORIS
                         Who?

                                   LARRY
                         Hoo! A Chinaman, eh!?

                                   MOE
                         Betrayed for a Chinaman!

                                   MAE/DORIS/PHYLLIS
                         I never knew my dear, that you
                         Were such a tragic fellow
                         There's here to see no tragedy
                         My dearest Pagliaccio!

                                   MOE/LARRY
                         Ah! Do you mock me?
                         My rage thou still defiest?

               CURLY is no longer playing his part. He stares, befuddled,
               at PHYLLIS.

                                   MOE/LARRY
                         Say who's thy love - this moment
                         Or thou diest!
                             (sotto)
                         Ssst. Curly. Dagger.
                             (to the women)
                         Tell me his name!

               MOE/LARRY draw rubber daggers and advance on MAE/DORIS.
               CURLY stays put, continues to stare at PHYLLIS.

                                   MAE/DORIS/PHYLLIS
                         No, Pagliaccio! I will not tell!

                                   PHYLLIS
                             (sotto)
                         Stab me. Curly. Stab me.

                                   MAE/DORIS
                         Only the harmless Arlecchino is
                         here!

                                   STAN
                         Ole! Ha Toro! Arlecchino is here!

               STAN reveals OLLIE'S hiding place OLLIE emerges.

                                   OLLIE
                         Ole! Ha Toro?

               CURLY snaps. He seizes the gun. STAN leaps into OLLIE'S
               arms. CURLY advances on PHYLLIS.

                                   CURLY
                         His name! Tell me his name!

               PHYLLIS grabs at the gun. They struggle for possession.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         It's only el harmless Arlecchino!

               BANG! The gun goes off.

               CHANTICLEER drops from the sky, onto PHYLLIS'S head. She
               sinks to the floor, and into unconsciousness.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Charlie..

               CHARLIE puts hat over face. CURLY recognises the look.

                                   CURLY
                         You! You! You!

               CHARLIE dives under the table. CURLY dives under the table.
               Struggle ensues, unseen, under the table.

               BANG! Under the table, the gun fires again.

               Pause.

               CHARLIE scrambles unscathed from under the table and exits.
               Bumping into ROBIN entering. ROBIN garners another pavlova.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Curly!

               PHYLLIS crawls under the table.

               Pause.

               BANG! Another shot from under the table.

               Pause.

                                   DORIS
                             (sings)
                         Que sera, sera..

               The faces of CURLY and PHYLLIS - black, scorched, frizzled
               hair standing on end - emerge from under the table.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         We need to talk. This has got to
                         stop.

               CURLY nods, ruefully.

                                   PHYLLIS
                         Last night, Paradise Park in
                         Toukley. The night before, the
                         Bali Hai in Budgewoi. The night
                         before that..

                                   LARRY
                         Shangri-La in Forster.

                                   MOE
                         Satori in Tuncurry.

               The troupe picks up the rhythm. A song and dance develops.

                                   MAE
                         Nirvana in Umina.

                                   DORIS
                         Utopia in Ourimbah

                                   ALL
                             (sing)
                         This has got to stop! Oh!
                         Paradise Park in Toukley
                         Bali-Hai in Budgewoi
                         Shangri-La in Forster
                         This has got to stop! Oh!
                         Satori in Tuncurry
                         Nirvana in Umina
                         Utopia in Ourimbah
                         This has got to stop! Oh..!

               As the song continues:

               NEDDA enters. She collects CHANTICLEER.

               The song comes to an end.

                                   NEDDA
                         La commedia è finita.
              

(c) Tim Gooding
      18 April 2007